These Things Ive Learned in Thirty Years

I have lived a full thirty years. Thirty years full of fumbles and mistakes. Thirty years of accidents and apologies. Thirty years of learning.

These are the trivial bits of thirty years of learning. Some of these lessons it took me three minutes to learn, others about 29 years and 347 days.

If the word you ever appears in this list of learning, please rest assured that I am referring to myself. Im still learning you, surely, are good as gold.

These Thirty-ish Things:

Go to college. Just go. Its where youll learn how to be, how not to be, and how to set booby traps in the shower so your roommate stops using your expensive shampoo.

Learn how to apologize sincerely.

Eye contact is major. Get into it.

Talking crap about people sometimes feels good (just admit it), but tastes bad. Its the opposite of eating McDonalds.

If it hurts, dont wear it. At some point the pain will show.

Learn how to wear lipstick and werk.

The day you look dumb in the grocery store at 7:19 in the morning is also the day you run into that duuude you dont want to run into, and his stupid-hot-at-7:19-in-the-morning girlfriend. Dont worry. Youre buying kale and olive oil. At least you can cook.

Overdress, always. Unless its heels in a park that doesnt work.

(thank you for the picture above, michael.)

In every situation, consider the likelihood of skinny-dipping. Act accordingly.

Check out your hair from behind yea youve got a whole situation going on back the! re.

< p>Exfoliate: your kitchen, your shower, your carpets, and your body.

Find out what color dress/shirt/lipstick makes your eyes pop. Buy a lot of it.

Never ever ever ever EVER ever ever take your shoes off in the club.

If you feel a deep need to take your shoes off in the club, walk your butt outside, get in a cab, and go home. Game over.

No one keeps secrets. Remember this when youre telling youre people all your business.

Life is not fair. That fact is profoundly frustrating.

Dont wait for some dumb boy to give you closure. You give yourself closure. Thats real. Tie that mess right on up. But ice cream if necessary.

Sometimes its not fate, or a sign but just a coincidence.

You are not inherently patient. Its an exercise.

Learn how to do something exceptionally well. Never apologize for that. Step up.

Watch Inception as many times times as you need to. Joseph Gordon-Levitt floats and Juno flips walls Its just a whole thing.

Learn how to make cookies.

Frozen peas, unfrozen, can be a meal.

Kittens grow up to be cats. Thats when things get a little scary.

Dont bethatgirl, in any and all situations. Unlessthatgirl is the awesome girl passing the boards then you should totally bethatgirl. Im talking to you Andrea.

If a girls says she just doe! snt real ly get along with other girls that means that shes probably not that nice to other girls Im just sayin.

Ladies should be kinder to one another. Teamwork, ladies!

Never be early for a party unless you plan on helping. By helping I mean, pouring tequila shots.

Being fourteen sucks and theres absolutely no way around it.

Being thirty one does not suck unless you think it sucks for some reason.

Sometimes you go to restaurants and you just dont get what you want. Its cool, just get ice cream on the way home.

Over-tip.

Just admit that youre watching My Big American Gypsy Wedding because youre completely obsessed and you really need to talk about it with someone.

God is good even when you doubt that God is god.

Happy Birthday to me. Happy Living to you. I love you dearly, I really do.